Suicide Note

“They found him. He hung himself.”

Words so loud that you could barely hear the cracking of my heart over them. Death visiting someone I love to attempt to have its selfish final say. My heart shattered again. I hate Death. But I recognize this darkness…I have lived in it my whole life. Death, like an old, tainted frinenmy craving my demise, has been the longest and closest companion for me. 

It is hard to explain the complexity of suicide. They say it’s because the person hates themselves. Wrong. Mental illness is the other controllable, explainable, palatable label they put on suicide. Wrong. I know suicide. It is so dark there, so very lonely. Suicide is a spirit that lurks around and slowly poisons your mind. It reminds you that no one cares because they are tired of you too. No one wants to hear your same problems again, because no one cares. No one can make anything better, they won’t miss you. No one will miss you. No one cares. They’ll be glad not to hear your whining anymore. Lies. So many ugly, lowdown, underhanded lies that eat away at your value, your worth, and your idea of being loved or loving. Slow poisoning, toxic gas that permeates its way into your spirit, passing by your soul. 

In the beginning, your mind might be able to shake it. You think, “Absurd. I’m not going to do something so awful. I couldn’t do that to my family, friends…my mom.” Using logic to fight the thoughts and reason out the mess it would cause to those you love. In the beginning, you are afraid of how you might do it. 

“Shooting myself…ew, what a mess! 

Overdosing on pills, well that is a wimpy way to go and what if they find me and save me. 

Slicing the wrist seems like a desperate attempt for attention, what if I am not successful?

Hanging myself seems plausible, but what if I wimp out?” 

And the list might go on and on as you try to figure out the most reasonable way to practice the most heinous act against yourself. But not because you hate yourself…you hate this world! You hate the pain of this world, all the hurts you can’t heal and all the disappointments that mount up like an avalanche that crashes down on you over and over again. You hate everything you can’t control…which is everything. At least, that is how I have spiraled into the hellashish dark abyss.

Over time, the spirit knows that the mind is weak, so it will keep slowly poisoning you. Intoxicating you at the same time with a feeling of relief. It would be a relief to not feel all the pain anymore. If only getting away from the trials of this world made everything OK, but it doesn’t. Suicide only leaves wreckage and damage in its wake. But the poison is slowly permeating past your mind and beginning to work on your spirit. Now you question everything. 

“Where is God?” 

“Do I even believe in God?”

“What does God even have to do with this? He isn’t even here.”

“God doesn’t care.”

More lies. So many lies. Like a tangled web of Christmas lights that seem impossible to ever straighten out. How can you straighten out a tangled mess that no one even cares about? No one cares. Lies. Now your spirit has started down the darkest road to hell of your life…until it is too dark to see anymore. Everywhere you look, up, down, left, right–all darkness. Then you are lost, completely and utterly disoriented and lost. Nothing will be able to remove the thoughts that once seemed absurd, but now seem the only reasonable answer to being this lost in the dark.  

The only thing that can dispel this type of darkness is the Light of the world, Jesus. Second Corinthians 10:5 tells us that we must tear down every argument that sets itself against the truth and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Why? Because if you notice that lies are the primary operation of the suicidal spirit. These lies are the poison that feeds on your mind, and eventually your spirit. It is only in the spirit realm that this battle can be fought. Jesus redeemed us to have the ability to fight, and Holy Spirit is the powerhouse inside of us that will conquer this battle, if we allow it. 

Sin creates debt to Death. Death always comes to collect. We were never designed to taste death, so God sent all of heaven, in Jesus, to come here and defeat what we could never defeat on our own. When we go toe to toe with Death, we always lose…and it looks like suicide. It looks like an image bearer lost against an enemy that was unknown, unseen, and so greedy. Jesus took all of our sin, because Death could have never come for Him. He didn’t have sin of His own. So He took ours, and let Death come. The Bible says that darkness hovered for three hours. Death was so greedy about the Life that was in Jesus, it hovered as long as it could. Then in the battle of all existence, Jesus fought Death and Hades on our behalf. He then did what and who He is…came back to life and restored us fully to Life. 

We still have a death problem. Whether it comes in the form of suicide or just because we are now subject to it on earth, we can choose who pays the debt to Death. You or Jesus? It’s a debt that you couldn’t pay for all eternity. Death is too greedy, there is no such thing as enough. The Bible tells us there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth for people who choose to pay the debt themselves. If you have ever had a loved one die, especially by the spirit of suicide, you have experienced the closest thing to hell on earth that you can. You have seen weeping and gnashing of teeth, utter devastation, and a never answered,”Why?” 

When I began to battle the poison in my own head, the relentless thoughts that no one cares about me, I first spoke the truth. I would say, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I was bought with a price. I am wanted. I am loved.” Though sometimes it seemed like those words were the lies, the truth always wins. My spirit strengthened, and the lies couldn’t win anymore. The darkness that was in my head and heart left quicker and quicker. The Light bursts forth and mends the wounds that were created by the lies. Slowly but surely, my mind isn’t able to get lost in the terrible thoughts. My spirit has been feeding on truth so long that as soon as my mind tries to entertain a lying, poisonous thought, my spirit speaks the truth, and my mind aligns properly.  Life has won again. 

The questions about God answered with a resounding, “I love you my child.” Reassuring me that He is in this with me and I am not alone on the journey. That when all seems lost, He has found me. That dark abyss that was summoning me with deception seems less and less appealing as I walk towards the Light. I am not afraid of the darkness, because I, myself, have now become light. Jesus has given me His light to share with the world. He will take the shattered pieces of my broken heart over the news of my friend’s suicide and reflect Light in every direction. Life wins because Death no longer has the final say. I know the spirit of suicide, and I rebuke it in Jesus’ name! Say it with me: I rebuke the spirit of suicide in the name of Jesus Christ! Those are the words of Life when darkness tries to entice. Light and Life are the worthiest of pursuits–I just wish I could’ve reminded my friend. So I am telling you my friend, do not be deceived or confused by the intoxicating poison of lies that you would be better off dead, because you, beloved, are designed for LIFE!